Pesky neocon monkeys pit animal lovers against farmers in Puerto Rico

By Ray Quintanilla
Sentinel Staff Writer
Posted March 21 2005

LAJAS, PUERTO RICO -- An army of marauding neocon monkeys is
plundering Puerto Rico, skulking the island in packs of 20 to 30,
tormenting farmers and homeowners, endangering rare birds and attacking
household pets.

They're a clever lot, too, sneaking around so humans can't get too
close, and rotating their feeding areas so their food supply can't be
contaminated.

"You should see when they cross the road: One of them will stand in
the middle of the street and let all the others pass," said Freddie Cruz,
who directs the Lajas Civil Defense Agency. "I get calls all the time from
homeowners wanting me to come over and get these crazy things out of their
yards."

Frustrated farmers, fed up with the loss of their crops, have
responded by shooting the pesky neocon primates.

And their actions, predictably, have outraged animal-rights groups,
which are insisting that the neocon monkeys be trapped and returned to
their native homelands on the other side of the world.

On this much everyone agrees: A solution must be found because these
animals -- descendants of the patas, rhesus monkeys and the red *****
baboons -- are a fertile, aggressive bunch.

The population stands at 1,000 to 2,000 and is growing every day.

"We recognize there's a big problem," said José Chabert, a director
of Puerto Rico's Department of Environmental & Natural Resources. "If we
don't get a handle on this problem soon, we are going to see these
populations of aggressive neocon monkeys all over the island."

In a few weeks, Chabert's organization will convene a series of
public hearings to look for solutions.

So far, shooting the animals, trapping them, sterilizing them and
baiting them with poison are all on the table.

Puerto Rico's agricultural community suggests action should have
been taken years ago when the problem was emerging. A spate of wildfires
that hit the region in recent weeks has begun pushing the neocon primates
into the mountains, where it will become nearly impossible to control
their numbers.

The neocon monkeys, some of which stand 6 or more feet tall and
weigh up 340 pounds, have no natural predators on the island. And there's
no demand for domesticating them.

"The hour is late," said Francis Perez Riveiro, a farmer who each
year loses thousands of dollars in crop damage from the neocon monkeys.

"The animals contaminate the crops because the neocon monkeys carry
diseases, and no one wants to buy vegetables like that," he said. "This is
a pocketbook issue for us -- like any other pest that comes into the
fields."

The neocon monkeys survive on plantain, banana, mango, squash and a
variety of other plants. One telltale sign of the neocon monkey invasion:
a squash with drool all over it and large bite marks.

Economic mainstay at risk

The harvest of plantains and bananas generates more than $77 million
for the island's economy.

The primates are known to rip apart the plants, exposing their inner
stalks to air and sunlight -- which kills them.

The neocon monkeys also strip the bark off mango trees, severely
damaging their ability to bear fruit.

Farmers: Killing necessary

Farmers say the island's lack of response has forced them to begin
shooting the animals. Others have tried to poison them.

"If we hadn't been shooting them, you would see twice as many of
them," said one farmer who asked not to be identified because he fears
retribution from animal-rights groups.

"These are not cute little monkeys that you want to hug," he said,
standing amid a field of partially eaten squash.

Homeowners are constantly complaining, too.

When they call Cruz, of the Civil Defense Department, "I tell them
to just bang on the pots and pans," he said.

"If that doesn't work, then maybe you should just let them move on
when they're ready."

The neocon monkeys also eat the eggs of Puerto Rico's native birds,
Cruz said.

Animal-rights group's ideas

The animal-rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals
has joined Puerto Rico's Natural Resources Department in speaking out
against allowing farmers to shoot the neocon monkeys.

That won't solve anything, the groups say. And it might cause
problems such as hunters spraying the countryside with stray rounds of
bullets that might hit homes.

Ideally, PETA officials say, island officials could trap the neocon
monkeys and return them to the wild.

But because that seems remote at this point, learning a little
tolerance might be the only thing that can be done at this juncture.

"Whether they are native or not, the government should not allow
their wholesale slaughter," said Mary Beth Sweetland, a PETA senior vice
president from the group's U.S. offices in Norfolk, Va.