LOS ANGELES May 4, 2004 -- Army Archerd, insider columnist for leading
entertainment industry rag Daily Variety, is reporting that film visionary
Steven Spielberg and his ubiquitous sidekick, movie star Tom Hanks, are
leading the charge that the United States begin plans for a Third World War.
After exhausting every conceivable World War II angle in previous efforts
"Saving Private Ryan," "Schindler's List," and the entirely overreaching
multi-chaptered "Band Of Brothers," the duo confirms that there is just no
more to do with WWII. "We feel it would be in the best interests of movie
fans around the globe that there be a World War III in the near future,"
explained the acclaimed director of "E.T." and "Jaws." Sources close to
Speilberg have confirmed that he plans to enlist the help of fellow mogul
extraordinaire and Dreamworks partner David Geffen. Geffen, reputedly the
reigning Don of the gay mafia, might be the only one with the connections
and chutzpah to pull it off . . . even bitter arch-enemy , CAA founder and
former Disney honcho Michael Ovitz, had to admit, "These guys really do run
the world."
Spielberg has engaged in preliminary talks with the Bush
administaration as well as the United States' secret shadow government which
is run by the Freemasons. Pressed as to which country he'd like to see the
U.S. invade first, Spielberg said he is still in the very early stages of
his screenplay, but we can rest assured, "Oscar and God will approve !"
Sources close to the project however, have leaked Canada as a possible
target, mostly due to Spielberg's pragmatism as a studio head. "With the
production costs of shooting in LA skyrocketing to obscene levels, Canada
just makes so much sense," says a seasoned key grip who wished to remain
unidentified, "plus we hear Vancouver is a way mellow scene if you know what
I mean. Shouldn't be many casualties there. And the French province . . .
we could take that over with squirt guns !"
Hanks, reached at his Brentwood mansion, was a little more open and
excited about the project in development. He explained, "I personally had
been pushing for Mexico because I've been waiting to work with Benicio Del
Toro and Salma Hayek for a while now." When asked about the alternative of
perhaps exploring the oft-neglected Korean War in film, the three-time
Academy Award winner was equally candid, "Well, I'll tell you, the
storyboards would already be in place . . . but the suits at William Morris
told me that Jet Li, Jackie Chan, and Lucy Liu were all tied to other
projects for the next three years, and I wasn't about to work with some
B-List Korean actor. I mean, after all, I'm Forrest Gump for christ's sake,
and I will not be carrying some unknown Korean like I did with Scolari all
those years." When informed that his "Bosom Buddies" co-star, actor Peter
Scolari, was not of Asian descent, Hanks quipped, "He also wasn't female,
but he sure did pull off that gender-bending role of Michael on 'Newhart'
with panache." Hanks went on to add, "Life is like a box of chocolates.
You never know what you're gonna get," and not a single reporter involved in
the conference call could help but chuckle.
Hanks also informed Variety that Meg Ryan would indeed have a role in
any film based on the upcoming world war. Calls to the blonde pixie's reps
elicited this statement, "While we cannot confirm or deny any imperialist
actions on the part of America, Ms. Ryan has inked a deal to star
exclusively in Mr. Hanks' movies for the next ten years in exchange for both
her soul and back end points in the semi-lucrative Eastern European
distribution market." Ms. Ryan's agent then coyly remarked, "It would be
nice, though, if World War III lasted a good six or seven years. Think of
all the sequel and merchandising opportunities !"
At the time of this report, follow-up calls to Spielberg were not being
returned. Dreamworks partner Jeffrey Katzenburg did however muse about the
low-end production values of World War I, "I think today's cinemaphile is
quite sophisticated. I guess we could weave a story around the snowballing
consequences resulting from the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand,
but last fall we did the release of "The Butterfly Effect" with Ashton
Kutcher so I think that whole genre has been pretty much tapped. We need a
world war with good special effects, maybe a nuke or two, and definitely
lots of Stealth bombers . . . after all, if it doesn't test well in Canoga
Park we may have another "Alamo" on our hands, only this time millions of
people will have lost their lives. You don't want to even imagine how many
DVD sales we'd need to make up for that kind of loss."