: Hi I'm new and naive to this internet thing. In my perusal of public
: messages I have gravitated to this group, but I would like to know exactly
: (or even vaguely) what this particular "slack" is meant to be. So far I've
: ruled out discussion on the subject of pants, but I want to be sure. I am
: currently unemployed, except for the occasional waitressing gig, and look
: for a real job when I *feel it's right*! I think this is slack. I like this
: slack (except for when it depresses me). Enough for now. Adios. :)
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THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS
ONLINE PAMPHLET
DISTRIBUTE FREELY
TO *EVERYONE*
excerpted from the Book of the SubGenius by J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
compiled and edited by the Reverend Kareem du Gristle
of the Church of the SubGenius, Santa Cruz 25 Hour Clench
"Time Control? You've come to the right place..."
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IF you suspect that things are much worse than you ever suspected-
IF the only thing you've been able to laugh at for the last 5 years
is the fact that NOTHING is funny anymore-
IF you sometimes want to collar people on the street and scream that you're
more different than they could possible *imagine*-
IF you can possibly help us with a donation-
IF you see the whole universe as one vast morbid sense of sick humor-
IF the current "Age of Progress" seems more like the Dark Ages to you-
IF you are looking for an inherently contradictory religion that will condone
megadegeneracy and yet tell you that you are "above" everone else-
Then... ___________________________
|\ /|
| THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS |
|/___________________________\|
could *save your sanity!*
-Your secret wishes can be granted in full- *once you know what they are!*
"You'll PAY to know what you REALLY think."-J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, 1961
NOW, AT LAST! The step-by-step process is revealed! THIS IS IT!
- the only "faith" that promises
ACTION- THRILLS- SUCCESS IN SEX AND BUSINESS!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feeling like there's just no SLACK?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You may have 'snapped' already from the information disease! ("The
sleep of reason begets monsters.") Look to the High Unpredictables of the
Church of the SubGenius for pancultural deprogramming and resynchronization!
Perfect your subliminal vision -edit your memory- *relive your reincarnality*
SYNC UP! THE SUBGENIUS MUST HAVE SLACK!
Using SubGenius secrets of BULLDADA and MOREALISM you can now
MIRACULOUSLY ELIMINATE COMPULSIVE URGES such as smoking, eating, sleeping,
working; end baldness, constipation, sex-money problems, assouliness, and
painful shortage of SLACK!
*Become a Doktor* of the Forbidden Sciences...make religion a kick-*****
adventure! Indulge in Self-Help through Raising Hell!
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| The SubGenius: |
| Patriot Personal Nurd |
| or Savior or |
| Alien? or Hero? |
| False |
| Prophet? |
| |
| Inspired Madman or Complete Jackass? |
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Thought you'd tried everything? YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' YET! Learn to
THINK BIG! Develop the tricks of Length Extension! Bring your *weirdest
dreams* to rampaging LIFE!
Stand erect for you own abnormality. WISE UP! *They're* out to get
you.
The "different" are being silenced by a global conspiracy. WIERDOS
ARISE!! You probably already knew that the U.S. Government is a SHAM-
something propped up there for you to *blame*. But did you know that the
*real* "powers that be" are not even *people*? That they are actually
shambling, unbelievable, unmentionable, unthinkable THINGS??
YES! JEHOVAH *IS* AN ALIEN AND STILL THREATENS THIS PLANET!
Defy the sinister "Star Forces" which mock us all. Evil demons have
kept the truth from humanity for thousands of years - God has been misquoted
all this time! His actual words may disturb you...but "Bob" Dobbs is a bulwark
against the unbearable fear and anxiety tormenting manking. "There's no
'Prob'...With "Bob"!"
"Bob" is a way of life to *millions* - yet *half* of them don't even
KNOW it! He is the one true LIVING SLACK MASTER with the spiritual know-how to
help you BASH THROUGH the locked doorway to FINANCIAL HEAVEN. He is the *only*
real Short-Cut to Slack.
SEE ANOTHER DIMENSION ON YOUR TV
"Bob's" promise is to widen the scope and nature of *abnormal
behavior*...to explore NEW WAYS of going over the edge *and coming back*. PLUS
to *bring back those who couldn't on their own*...to help you create the
HIGHEST POSSIBLE EARNINGS from the PSYCHODYMANICS of ABNORMALITY...
to turn Conspiracy-implanted personality disorders AROUND and channel them
into an ILLUSION OF CREATIVITY that will *fool normals* and GET YOU SEX!
As you learn more and more reliable, safe methods of Time Control, you
will find your I.Q. increasing - your very cranium will seem to pulsate from
within, barely able to contain the turmoil of glorious new concepts and mental
skills. Soon you'll be able to withstand COMMUNICATION WITH THE *XISTS*, our
*mentors in space*; you will be ready for TRANSFIGURATION into a *new physical
body*, a more powerful one, built to contain the surging mental and material
mutations that your brain now generates. YES - become and OVERHUMAN, a
dangerous and feared superhuman of the future! Yet - because your SubGenius
roots can never be forgotten - you won't be able to abuse your powers, but
instead make them an unstoppable force for GOOD and JUSTICE, choosing always
to defend the oppressed SubGenius wherever they may be!
The world is a turkey, and "Bob" gives you the carving knife.
Fear THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL no longer!
Become PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE- overnight!
Attain STATUS-LUCK-PROSPERITY by *blowing them off*!
When you join this "Order of the Knights of Wotan,"
you get a mastery of *fighting skills*..good health, an attractive personality
a WEIRD ABILITY TO INFLUENCE OTHERS! To BEND THEM to your WILL!
You'll learn INCANTATIONS that lead to MASTERY over FISCAL PLANES... the
OCCULT TECHNOLOGY of FINANCE POWER...E-Z ways to borrow money - from
*other people who don't have it either!"
Achieve SHEER GUT BLOWOUT.
Our "ascetism" consists solely of the abstinence from abstinence. Give
up the not giving into of temptation! Think thoughts that no human has ever
dared think before. You CAN learn to recall memories from the past that you
had forgotten, or that never existed at all.
CONTACT ALIENS BOTH BENEVOLENT AND EVIL!
The Church of the SubGenius the first and last stand against a
crumbling world filled with Pinks and Glorps.
"SURVIVE THE GREAT CATACLYSMS THROUGH UFO TRANSPORT!"
You too can can be a part of this WAVE OF THE FUTURE!
Make *strangeness* work for YOU!
Thought you were 'ordinary'? WRONG.
Tap your secret Abnormality Potential.
Take control through liberated weirdness.
RADICAL INSANITY!
WEIRDOS: Feel smarter than those around you, but constantly stomped back?
Receive an unbelievable booklet:
a very simple deposit achieves *INSTANT SLACK* at a savings of *$5000*
Unbelievably unusual pamphlets. Damn weird. Totally new.
Send $1 to:
The Church of the SubGenius
PO Box 140306
Dallas, TX 75214
and you'll NEVER be the same again...
----------------------------------------
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|@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@|
| ascii rendering of |
| J.R. "Bob" Dobbs |
----------------------------------------
THE SPACE BANKERS SEE YOU!
THE END IS NEAR!
COME GOOD ALWAYS!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------- -
SHUT UP OR STAND UP!
("The Brag of the SubGenius")
--- a fragment. Transcribed from a cassette tape recording made at a seance
in 1973.
"I PICK THE ***** terror of the fucking gods out of my *nose*! Pardon my
language. But YEEEEEHAW, let the sons of God and man bear witness! Even in
the belly of the Thunderbird I've been casting out the False Prophets; I'm
busting a gut and blowing my O-ring, and ripe to throw a *loaf*! For I speak
*only* the fucking *Truth*, and never in my days have I spoken other than! For
my every utterance is a lie, including this very one you hear! I say,
`*****'em if they can't take a joke!' By God, `Anything for a laugh', I say. I
am the last remaining Homo Correctus, I am the ***** Man of the Future!
I'll drive a mile so as not to walk a foot; I am a human being of the *first*
***** water! Yes, I'm the javalina humping junkie that jumped the Men from
Mars! I drank the *Devil* under seven tables, I am too *intense* to die, I'm
insured for acts o' God *and* Satan! I was shanghaied by bodiless fiends and
alien jews from a corporate galaxy, and got away with their hubcaps! I
*cannot* be tracked on radar! I wear nothing uniform, I wear *no* *****
uniform! Yes baby, I'm 23 feet tall and have 13 rows o' teats; I was suckled
by a triceratops, I gave the Anti-Virgin a high-protien tonsil wash! I'm a
bacteriological weapon, I *armed* and *loaded*! I'm a fission reactor, I fart
plutonium, power plants are fueled by the sweat from my brow; when they plug
*me* in, the lights go out in Hong Kong! I weigh 666 pounds in zero gravity,
*come and get me*! I've sired retarded space bastards across the Cosmos, I
cook and *eat* my dead; YAH-HOOOO, I'm the Unshaven Thorn Tree of the Atlantis
Zoo! I pay no taxes! The Devil's hands are my *ideal* playground! I hold the
Seven-Bladed Windbreaker; the wheels that turn are behind me; I think
*backwards*! I do it for *fun*! My imagination is a *fucking* cancer and I'll
pork it before it porks me! The say a godzillion is the highest number there
is. Well by God! I count to a godzillion and *one*! Yes, I'm the purple flower
of Hell County, give me wide berth; when I drop my drawers, Mother Nature
swoons! I use a python for a prophylactic; I'm *thicker, harder* and *meaner*
than the Alaskan Pipeline, and carry more spew! I'll freeze *your* seed before
it hits the bathroom tile! YEE! YEEE! I kidnapped the future and ransomed it
for the past, I made *Time* wait up for me to bleed my lizard! My infernal
breath wilts the Tree of Life, I left my *spoor* on the Rock of Ages, *who'll
tear flesh with me, who'll spill their juice? Who'll gouge with me, whose
candle will I fart out? Whoop! I'm ready!* So step aside, all you butt-lipped,
neurotic, insecure bespectacled slabs o' wimp meat! I'm a Crime Fighting
Master Criminal, I am Not Insane! I'm a screamer and a laugher, I make a
*spectacle* of myself, I am a *sight*! My physical type *cannot* be classified
by science, my `familiar' is a pterodactyl, I feed it dipshits! I communicate
without *wires* or *strings*! I am a Thuggee, I am feared in the Tongs, I have
the Evil Eye, I carry the Mojo Bag; I swam the *Bermuda Triangle* and didn't
get wet! I circumcize dinosaurs with my teeth and make 'em leave a tip; I
change tires with my *tongue* and my *tool*! Every night I hock up a lunger
and extinguish the *Sun*! I'm the bigfooted devil of Level 14, who'll try to
blow me down? I've packed the brownies of the gods, I leak the Plague from my
nether parts, opiates are the *mass* of my religion, *I take drugs*! Yes, I'm
a rip-snorter, I cram coca leaves right into my arm-veins before they're
picked off the *tree*! *Space* monsters cringe at my tread! I wipe the
*Pyramides* off my shoes before I enter *my* house. I'm *fuel-injected*, I'll
live forever and remember it afterwords! I'm *immune*! I'm *radioactive*! Come
*on* and give me cancer, I'll spit up the tumor and butter my *bread* with the
juice! *I'm supernatural*, I bend *crowbars* with my meat ax and a thought! My
droppings bore through the earth and erupt *volcanoes* in *China*! Yes, I can
drink more wine and stay soberer than all the heathen *Hindoos* in Asia! YEEE
HAW! *Gut Blowout*! I am a *Moray Eel*, I am a *Komodo Dragon*, I am the
*Killer Whale bereft of its pup*! I have a triple backbone, I was sired by the
Wolf Man, give me *all* your Slack! I told *Jesus* I wouldn't go to church and
He *shook my hand*! I have my *own* personal saviors, I change 'em every hour,
I don't give a ***** if there's life after death, I want to know if there's
even any fucking *Slack* after death! I am a ***** *visionary*, I see the
future and the past in comic books and wine bottles; I eat *black holes* for
breakfast! I bend my genes and whittle my DNA with the sheer force of my
mighty *will*! I steer my *own* ***** evolution! I ran 'em out of Heaven
and sold it to Hell for a *profit*! I'm enlightened, I achieved `Nirvana' and
took it *home* with me. *Yip, yip, YEEEEEEE!* I'm so ugly the Speed of Light
can't slow me down and Gravity won't tug at my cuffs! When the Rapture comes,
I'll make 'em wait! They'll *never* clean *my* cage! Now give me some more
of..."
(Tape runs out.)
--
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Unleashing the healing power of the ukulele for a world in need...