-Girl #1: I want an American Girl doll, and a Barbie Primp &
Polish head with manicured hands. But what I really want for
Christmas, is the safety and well-being of my family.
-***** Cheney: Uh, Santa can't guarantee that.
-Girl #1: (now obviously reading from offscreen cue cards) Well,
I was just thinking that if the Patriot Act were extended, I
can sleep easy knowing that the American government has the
tools it needs in its global fight against terror.
-***** Cheney: Well, aren't you a sweet young lady. Gosh,
isn't it funny how the mind of a child can grasp smething
that seems so confusing to Santa's friends across the isle.
Your spontaneous opinion is appreciated.


-Boy: Hi, Santa!
-***** Cheney: And, uh, what do you want for Christmas?
-Boy: I just want to see my Grandma.
-***** Cheney: Well, I don't see why that would be a problem.
-Boy: Well - she lies in California, and usually she would
drive to see us. But with gas prices being what they are,
she can't afford to come. So I was wondering if - nawww,
never mind.
-***** Cheney: Oh no, no, no. Come on, just say it. Say it.
It's me, Santa.
-Boy: Well - (also reading directly off unseen cue cards, and,
thus, reads quickly) Do you think you can open drilling in the
Alaskan wildlife preserve, in order to lessen our dependence
on foreign oil?
-***** Cheney: (smiles sadistically) You know, if you put it
like that, it's the least I can do to help a boy see his grandma.
-Boy: Wow! Thanks, Santa!



-Girl #2: My Daddy is a soldier fighting in Iraq, and I only
want one thing for Christmas.
-***** Cheney: What's that?
-Girl #2: For you to not let him come home until freedom and
democracy has spread all through the Middle East.
-***** Cheney: From the mouthes of babes! It seems to me if an
eight-year old girl has the guts to stay the course, maybe
everyone else should do a gut check.
-Girl #2: Yay! (jumps off Cheney's lap and exits scene)



-***** Cheney: (chuckles) Alright, let's wrap this thing up.
Voice: Excuse me, excuse me - sorry, kid, President coming
through! (President Bush emerges and takes his seat on Cheney's lap)
-President George W. Bush: Hey, *****! What's up?
-***** Cheney: Hello, Mr. President. I thought we agreed to do this
in private, like we do every year.
-President George W. Bush: Well, I couldn't wait, *****. You know,
I'm just so excited for Christmas.
-***** Cheney: Okay. Well, what would you like for Christmas?
-President George W. Bush: I would like X-Box-360.
-***** Cheney: What, uh.. what about extending the Patriot Act,
Mr. President?
-President George W. Bush: You know, I like the Patriot Act,
*****, I do. But I want that 360.
-***** Cheney: You know, some of those X-Boxes are defective,
they may be recalled.
-President George W. Bush: Well, our policy in Iraq is
defective, and we're not recalling anyone, so...
-***** Cheney: (defeated) Okay, you can have the X-Box.
-President George W. Bush: Yay!