The Devil And ***** Cheney -
A Cautionary Tale
By Douglas Herman
8-3-5
"*****, Welcome to Hell!" The devil rose to greet the former Vice
President. "Actually we're in the antechamber of hell, where I keep
the temperature at a surprisingly cool 72 degrees."
"You can't be serious? I'm still in a coma; I believe that my surgeons
are working to resuscitate me," said the former Vice President,
perspiring nervously. "This must be a dream--or a mistake."
The devil smiled warmly. "That's what everyone always says--'Must be
some kind of mistake.' As if humans were immortal or immune to the
consequences of their actions. Not one person in power ever expects to
arrive here. Why, I just saw General Westmoreland not long ago. And
you, *****, especially, with all your heart problems, you should have
known better. I have only a few questions to ask you before we make
our way below."
"Wait! This is all a mistake! I'll wake up in a moment. I was expected
shortly in a conference with Wolfowitz and Rumsfeld....Maybe I had a
heart attack."
"Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz! Ah, my two favorite Americans-in-waiting! How
is Rumsfeld? He looks rather drawn? Not sure whether he's long for the
world. God only knows when I'll see him. Might be any day now."
Cheney looked surprised. Certainly this polite fellow couldn't be the
devil. He tried to explain his way out. It always worked with the
American media. "Obviously you've got the wrong man. I have a bad
heart; I'm not well."
"*****, *****, *****---you know as well as I that your heart died long
ago. How could it not? A human heart functions perfectly from birth,
capable of love, generosity, and honorable acts. Certainly you knew
that? Once it fails, in your case when you were very young and
selfish, the first tiny bit of heart disease enters. Then, when you
became a young man, and plotted your course heedless to what my
counterpart, God, would call a moral law, you became my rapt pupil."
"I neither know you nor who you work for," said the former VP. Cheney
looked nervous. He had to get out of here; where were his Secret
Service bodyguards?
The devil read his mind instantly. "Never mind them--they can't
protect you now."
"Who do you work for?" Cheney demanded. "How did you get in here? What
is this place? Where are my clothes? I demand some answers!"
"Excellent questions, all of them. You might be surprised to know I
work for the ultimate Secret Service, and you work for me. Without you
and people like you, I wouldn't exist, at least not in the capacity I
enjoy."
"Riddles! Damn riddles and double talk!"
The devil laughed. "*****, double talk was always your stock in trade,
wasn't it? You and your cronies, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Ashcroft, Rice,
Rove and the entire Bush family, all of you perfected the art of
double talk. A wink, a smirk, a thinly veiled threat, a secret
handshake or pat on the back between all of you and plots became part
and parcel of foreign and domestic policy. I applaud you! But now that
you're here, fallen at last into my circle, why do you suddenly demand
straight answers? Did you ever give anyone straight answers? Did you
ever offer honesty to any of those pathetic sheep you allegedly
presided over? I think not."
"I was only the Vice President. I had no power."
The devil roared with laughter; clearly enjoying himself. Whenever a
newcomer arrived in Hell, especially a person previously powerful in
the other world--and ***** Cheney was once the Most Powerful Man in The
World--they never failed to entertain him. Fallen from earthly graces,
powerful people whimpered and cringed.
The shock of sudden impotence never ceased to amaze them--and amuse
the devil.
"You were once the Most Powerful Man in The World, *****. According to
this dossier, you masterminded 9-11, pulled the levers against your
own country, created an amazing ruse and blamed others and created
wars where no wars existed before. All my handiwork usually. I
congratulate you for your deception."
"That's a damn dirty lie!"
"If it was a lie, *****, then why didn't you sue Mike Ruppert? He
accused you of high crimes and misdeamors, but mostly high
crimes--treason, murder, arson, sabotage, and lying of course. You
could have sued him--he was that LA cop who wrote that book about you,
remember, who accused you of masterminding the 9-11 attack. You, the
Most Powerful Man in the World. If it was a damn dirty lie--as you
say--wouldn't you want to face your accuser in a court of law?
God-only-knows I would."
The devil rarely took the Lord's name in vain. Instead he often used
the expression, God-only-knows, strictly for emphatic purposes.
Humans, he had discovered, uttered the word God carelessly,
ceaselessly and tirelessly until the word itself had almost lost all
effect for them.
"That ***** insolent *****, Ruppert! All those damned traitors on
the Internet!"
"Tut tut, *****. Your critics on the Internet are not called here to
testify. Instead it is you who must give an accounting. I should
remind you, at times I must become God's advocate, as many men have
become mine, at no bidding from me. So I ask you, *****, did you ever
stop to consider what was the best and wisest path, for the greater
good?"
Cheney's eyes darted around the room, looking for escape. "I'm a great
American patriot. If people knew the true facts behind 9-11 and Iraq
they would thank me."
"Thank you? For what? Urban renewal via aviation, with 3,000
incinerated deaths? Invasion and occupation of two foreign countries,
sugar-coated as liberation, at the cost of $500 billion and 100,000
more deaths? Add a couple thousand US soldiers dead and 15,000
wounded. Masterful propaganda but hardly patriotism. Not that I
minded, *****; you were doing my work. Tell you what I'm going to do
for you: I'll get three advocates for your defense. Should I call
three saints or three sinners?"
Cheney pondered the question, certain of a trick. "If I choose three
saints they'll condemn me for minor details. So, I choose three
sinners, preferrably my peers."
The devil smiled. Instantly three former Vice Presidents appeared,
Truman, Lyndon Johson and Nixon, looking a bit charred and still
smoldering. Each had ascended to the presidency and immediately helped
foster a police state and nurture a foreign war. Sizing up the
situation immediately, they spoke in unison.
"Welcome, *****, to Hell--or at least to the antechamber. Lots more of
us down here. Funny thing, in Hell, we're forced to tell the truth
when we testify as witnesses. That never happened on Earth. Anyway,
while the American media couldn't seem to find a single fault with
you, unfortunately we've found you foolhardy, venal, duplicitous,
cowardly, mean-spirited, and a bully. In short, one of us."
Then Harry Truman spoke, shaking his head. "At least in 1941, we never
invented fake terrorists at Pearl Harbor. Nor did I ever threaten to
nuke a small country we hadn't declared war against. Really, *****, if
you couldn't stand the heat than you shouldn't have played with fire.
Welcome to Hell."
Essayist Douglas Herman write regularly for the Internet and is the
author of Guns of Dallas.
.
|
