STATEMENT BY THE PRESIDENT PRIOR TO SIGNING LEGISLATION IMPROVING
AMERICA'S DEFENDITUDE THROUGH SWEEPING ENSMARTENIZING OF THE
INTELLIGENCIARY
Bill Signing Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. In a few minutes, I will sign into law the
most dramatic change in our nation's intelligencing capabilities since
sneaky Asian kids first blew out the grading curve on the SAT math
section.
(Applause.)
Under this new law, America's most secretive CIA and FBI cubicle
monkeys, who have spent over a half century perfecting the fine
bureaucratic arts of passive aggression, info hoarding, and
micro-fiefdom building, will now magically become happily subservient
to an all-new figurehead called the Director of National Intelligence
(DNI).
(Applause.)
In other news, Congress is also preparing legislation that will
spontaneously create a whole race of purple-haired unicorn people who
can see the future and fly at the speed of light!
(Applause.)
As you may have heard, this new intelligenciary bill is the direct
byproduct of the conclusions and recommendations of the bipartisan
"9/11 Commission" - whose very establishment I fought tooth and nail
for so long. But you know, now that I think back on it, I might have
been wrong about that. After all, anything called the "9/11 Commission"
means I get to say "9/11" every time I mention it. And since I don't
get to invoke "9/11" more than every two minutes or so, I welcome any
opportunity to utter those election-winning numbers. Hell, if it were
up to me, we'd pass a law to replace the words "the," "and," and "it"
with just plain "9/11." And then I could be all, "Welcome to 9/11 White
House, Laura 9/11 me is real glad you could make 9/11!"
(Applause.)
Yes, I had my doubts about the 9/11 Commission. But today, three years
and $15 million dollars later, I'm proud to say I agree with the
majority of Americans who support the 9/11 Commission's awe-inspiring
conclusion: "Let's hire one dude who'll pay real hard attention to that
spying stuff."
Nearly six decades ago, President Truman - waging the heroic Cold War
against the mega-spooky Red Scare - did a bigtime government
reorganizationizing of his own. He established the Central Intelligence
Agency and the National Security Council, among other things, and in so
doing created the system through which generation after generation of
chest-pounding political opportunists scored easy points by cultivating
mass panic over the bogeyman of communism.
Today, we have a new freedom-hating bogeyman - terror. Yes, instead
of spectral "commies infiltrating our institutions," we have spectral
"killers hiding in our cities." And that means one thing - our
current generation of mostly-cosmetic politicians needs a
mostly-cosmetic government reorganizitizing. And this bill does just
that, leaving 99% of our crumbling intelligence infrastructure
untouched, and installing the aforementioned Director of National
Intelligence, who will serve the crucial function of providing a
high-profile resignation after the next inevitable terrorist attack
we're currently taking so much credit for having prevented thus far. Is
that a win-win or what?
(Applause.)
In closing, let us pray that this mega-corporate re-org will, once
implemented, successfully finalize our government's outright surrender
to terror hysteria, and hopefully produce the conditions in the US
Congress - Jesus willing - from which a modern-day Joe McCarthy
figure will spring - employing noble fearmongering to justify a
glorious decade-long orgy of Constitution gutting and mass falafel
vendor witch trials.
(Applause.)
In case you're wondering, my money's on Denny Hastert.
(Laughter and Applause.)
And so, I'm now pleased and honored to sign into law the Intelligencing
Reformatory and Terrorism Preventionizing Act of 2004.
(Applause.)
(The bill is signed.)
(Applause.)
WH
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