PRESIDENT'S REMARKS TO ASSEMBLED JEWFOLK GRACIOUSLY TOLERATING THEIR
RUDE REFUSAL TO CELEBRATE CHRIST'S BIRTH AFTER HAVING GONE AND MURDERED
HIM
Statement by the President
THE PRESIDENT: Thank you. You may be seated. Me and Laura want to
welcome all you Hebrew-talking folks to the White House. You know,
since Ari Fleischer left, the closest we've come to having any
Jewstifarians around here is when John Ashcroft gets to belting out
Fiddler on the Roof tunes while doing his business in the little boys
room.
(Applause.)
You oughta hear him some time. Why, he sings so much like a little
angel, you just can't help but wonder whether or not the Good Lord done
went and made America's top cop a bona fide soprano gelding!
Anyhoo, I've asked the photographers here this evening because I'm told
you all are smack dab in the middle of Hanukkah, which officials in the
White House Department of Faith tell me is just a fancy Hebrewish word
for "Celebrate the Murder of Christ." In any case, you folks still have
the right to practice your peculiar faith here in America. And I'm
bound to respect that, even though it strikes me as a bit odd that I am
up here lighting this Mendora thing, when Christians are not yet free
to ignite crosses in Israel. But that day will come. Oh yes, indeed!
And so, my hairy sideburned friends, who only follow the first half of
the Bible (and the parts that won't get you jail time in any place but
Texas) I am glad and thankful that the holiday you invented is giving
you something to keep you busy while all the real Americans who aren't
going to get their unbelieving non-Christian butts fried in hell are
doing their part to toady up to the man you murdered nearly 2,000 years
ago.
Bible-beliving folks like myself, while spiritually revolted by your
continued failure to listen to common sense, nevertheless accept that
it is in every Fundamentalist Christian's self interest to see that you
all live long enough for Jesus to swoop down from his cloud dwelling
home in the sky and exterminate your entire race as payback for what
you did to Him. The Bible tells us in Matthew 13:49-50, "So it shall be
at the end of the world: the angels shall come forth, and sever the
wicked from among the just, And shall cast them into the furnace of
fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth!" That "furnace of
fire" part might be politically incorrect, and make some of you folks
feel a bit queasy but I'm afraid those are God's promises and my
religious beliefs. I ask you to respect them, even as I feign respect
for your own. Thank You.
Friends, that's why today, my Administration sets aside - however
momentarily - our absolute glee in having the Lord's assurance that
every last Israeloid who doesn't renounce their false religion and
embrace ours is going to burn like a never-melting candle of sizzling
flesh, forever tortured in a bubbling lake of red-hot lava.
Now I don't want to preach, but this is the eve of my Savior's
birthday, and I feel spiritually inclined to use this sensitive time to
proselytize. I'm no Franklin Graham, but I'll do my best.
My dreidel spinning friends, You can avoid an eternity of being burned
alive over and over again by making sure your name is written in God's
"A" list, the book of life. And the only way to get on that list is to
sell your soul to Jesus Christ. And so tonight, as we prepare to light
the silly candles on this thing that looks like one of Liberace's
candelabras, and in pretend deference to you people, who without Jesus
in your lives are nothing, I ask each and every one of you to bow your
heads with me and pray along...
Dear Lord Jesus,
I'm sorry that my
great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandpa killed
your son 2,000 years ago. That same sinful blood is running through my
veins today. I ask that you forgive me. I know it is too late for all
of my ancestors, who are burning in hell right now for picking the
wrong religion. Come into my life and save me! I believe that you are
the Messiah that was promised to the Jewish people, and we were just
too plain stupid to see it at the time. I'm taking a stand tonight. I
ask you to forgive me for my sins, and I accept you as my Lord and
Personal Savior. I promise to take this silly cotton cap off of my head
and get my good-for-nothing self into a Bible believing church next
Sunday where I will make a public profession of faith, and get myself
baptized. Thank you Jesus! And Thank You Mr. President, for leading me
to Christ, on my false holiday, Hanukkah, which I will no longer
celebrate, A-men.
And now, let all Christians also have the boldness to speak out the
truth on false holidays. And pray that we can reconcile our fervent
desire to prosthelytize and convert with the need to keep enough people
practicing false religions that will never be eligible for taxpayer
disbursements from the Department of Faith-Based Living.
(The menorah is lighted.)
(Applause.)
In closing, I know that some of my dear friends in the televangelism
industry will be dismayed to learn that yours truly has participated in
an anti-Christ ritual. Well don't be, brothers! I just took advantage
of equal time to tell folks about the only real religion! I've also
spent time with the king of the Mary Worshippers, and even invited
unsaved Muslamians over and endured the charade of their Iftaar thing.
I'll let you in on a little secret; we talk more about Jesus, than we
do about politics. And I've won more than my fair share of souls! Hell,
next year might even bring in some Hindusians and take turns making out
with a heifer. In short, none if means anything, and don't you forget
it!
Thank you, and Merry Christmas to all, and Happy Birthday Baby Jesus!
(Applause.)
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