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Close encounters of the Byrd kind
By Doug Powers

Are there aliens walking among us? I believe that events in the past year
more
than prove this, but some scientists aren't yet on board with the notion.

Given the supposed age and size of the universe, and assuming we're not
alone,
some theorize that Earth should have been visited and/or colonized by now.
The
absence of evidence for such visits is known as "Fermi's Paradox."

This from an article on Space.com:


A team of American scientists note that recent astrophysical discoveries
suggest that we should find ourselves in the midst of one or more
extraterrestrial civilizations. Moreover, they argue it is a mistake to
reject
all UFO reports since some evidence for the theoretically predicted
extraterrestrial visitors might just be found there.


The article referenced is titled, "Inflation-Theory Implications for
Extraterrestrial Visitation" (The "Inflation-Theory" is not to be confused
with
the "Stagflation-Theory," which claims that Jimmy Carter is an alien ...
we may
get to him later).


Scientists are saying we need to begin taking more seriously UFO sightings
by
Earthlings. As a result, these scientists spent countless hours brooding
over
Einstein's formulas and Enrico Fermi's theories, desperate to find reasons
to
believe that Roscoe from Porkslap, Ark., wasn't lying when he claimed he
was
rectally probed by interstellar proctologists from Sigmoid-9 in the galaxy
Alpha-Sphinktauri.

If these scientists would only follow the news, they would know that
aliens are
here. But who are they, and how do we differentiate them from those who
only
seem like aliens, but actually aren't. Here's a short list to get
scientists
started on the notion that "Fermi's paradox" is extinct.

Dan Rather: Alien

A distant civilization wouldn't necessarily be adept at recognizing
documents
doctored by agenda-driven earthlings. Rumors of Jon Stewart, of "The Daily
Show," having a role on the CBS Evening News make Stewart a possible alien
as
well. How can we tell the difference between the two programs? One show is
parody news and current events stories with a comical liberal slant, and
the
other is on Comedy Central.

Barbara Boxer: Not an alien

One would have to assume that a superior culture would - should they use
makeup - use a mirror while applying it. Boxer recently questioned
Condoleezza Rice's "respect for the truth." An advanced intelligence would
be
more in tune with introspective recognition of irony, and couldn't have
said
this without laughing.

Michael Moore: Alien

It is virtually impossible for the discerning scientist to observe Moore
without concluding that he is a container for some sort of alien plot - a
"Trojan horse," out of which will someday jump thousands of little green
unshaven leftists who will go on to make millions of dollars exposing the
evils
of greed.

Robert Byrd: Not an alien

The senator with the most seniority and head "Kleagle Eagle" of the minion
of
attorneys who comprise Congress could be mistaken for an alien, but no
self-respecting visitor from the outer reaches of the galaxy could pull
off a
Foghorn Leghorn accent so convincingly.

Tom Brokaw: Alien

If there's one person who I fully expect to someday peel his face off to
reveal
a pale character with a huge head, antennae, large black eyes and a cosmic
inability to properly pronounce words with "L's" in them, it's the former
anchor of the NBC Nightly News.

Ted Kennedy: Not an alien

Beings that could traverse billions of miles across the galaxy would
certainly
be able to get an Oldsmobile across a short bridge.

Jesse Jackson: Alien

Informed us there were a million people denied the right to vote.
Jackson's
ability to know how many of them there were, even though the whole point
of the
thing is that they were denied the right to be counted in the first place,
makes him definitely not of this world.

Bill O'Reilly: Not an alien

Andromedan intellect would possess ESP capabilities, and could transmit
instructions on what to do with the loofah without the need to use quaint
technology like a telephone. He would also know "name and town" without
having
to ask.

Hillary Clinton: Alien

The steely eyes and demeanor that give you the same biological reaction as
skinny dipping the North Atlantic is your body's way of telling you to run
for
your life. If Hillary runs for president and wins, she may ship political
enemies off to be used as slave labor in the FBI-file mines on the third
moon
of Castle Grande Centauri. Don't say I didn't warn you.

James Carville: Not an alien

We must presume that an ET would at least attempt to disguise itself.

Yes indeed, we've found some aliens, but there are more out there. Who are
they? No doubt the next presidential election will help expose more.