Tiger, Rabbit, Honey Bee & Leprechaun Found Dead
Chicago, IL - Authorities announced in a brief news conference today
that the fourth cereal icon in as many days has been found murdered.
This news has sent shockwaves through the cereal icons community.
"We are all worried about who will be next and who exactly is the
culprit. No one feels safe and we are calling out to police to find
this killer immediately." said Cocoa the Cereal Icons (C.I)
Spokesmonkey.
Police sources have yet to confirm whether this is the work of a Cereal
Killer.
"These self-proclaimed icons have nothing to worry about. They hold
way too much stock in themselves. We believe this is all a big
coincidence. Really... what kind of a nutso would be knocking off the
representatives of tasty, well balanced, nutritious breakfasts?" said
Police Detective Dane McJimmont.
Police Sources Have Yet To ConfirmWhether This Is The Work Of A Real
Cereal Killer Or Just Captain Crunch.
Autopsies and ballistic testing have confirmed that the same gun was
used to kill the four victims in the span of 96 hours.
"They all died of gunshot wounds to the head and they were all killed
by the same gun," Detective McJimmont told reporters at the news
conference.
Authorities have not announced that they have any suspects, although
there were reports last night that police were looking for a sailor who
may be connected with the slayings. Besides that police aren't
releasing much more at this time.
Faux-Newz has learned that the gun believed to be involved in the
killings was an antique flint-lock pistol and that forensic experts who
combed the crime scenes found some white hairs and what is believed to
be a ship captain's hat.
Whisperings from inside the C.I. community are starting to finger the
killer as Captain Crunch who incidentally has disappeared and has not
been seen in weeks after a huge argument with the Sugar Crisp Bear,
Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble over who's cereal has a higher
daily value of potassium and fiber.
Although some believe that the Cookie Crisp burglar would be a likely
suspect. None of the cereal icons have yet to talk to the press.
It is thought that if in fact there is a cereal killer Boo Berry, Count
Chocula, Casper and Frankenberry will not be effected in any way.
(Writers Note: Lucky The Leprechaun turned out not to be so lucky after
all, The Honey Bee is just fucking annoying so he got what he deserved,
the Trix Rabbit is just silly and I could have sworn that Tony the
Tiger was put to sleep a month ago after a vicious attack on Snap,
Crackle & Pop http://www.thamike.com/faux_newz/126_21/cereal.html)
Written by Faux-Newz Staff Writer
It is no coincidence the leprechaun was found dead on St. Patrick's Day
-- included in the murder spree that has rocked the cereal industry.
This indicates the killer is a particularly sadistic operator, but
possibly with black humor overtones to his murders.
VP ***** B. Cheney was reportedly questioned in the widening cereal icon
investigation. Last month, Cheney shotgunned a fellow quail hunter.
Although ruled an accident, doubts remain.
Eo:D
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