From: Sabri Zain <sabrizain@malaya.org.uk>
UK stands shoulder-to-shoulder with US on torture
The New Mesopotamia Times
http://www.sabrizain.org/iraq/nmt
January 18, 2005
London …. The Blair Government today demonstrated its strong support
for US military operations in Iraq with the publication of its own
prisoner torture and abuse photographs, rivalling those from the Abu
Ghraib prison scandal. "I think today we have demonstrated that we
indeed are truly shoulder-to-shoulder with our gallant allies the
Americans," said a Downing Street spokesman Anthony Bliar. "It fills
us with great pride to see British troops just as capable of
committing sick, brutal, psychopathic acts of cruelty and perversion
as their American comrades."
Three soldiers were today charged with abusing Iraqi prisoners at a
Basra aid camp in May last year. The soldiers are accused of punching
and kicking prisoners, forcing detainees to undress and perform anal
and oral sexual acts, and lifting a bound and gagged detainee with a
forklift.
"We are indeed proud that our boys were the first to use heavy
machinery while torturing and abusing prisoners - not even the
Americans, with all their advanced hardware and technology, could top
that," Bliar said, wiping a tear of pride from his eye.
"We were just fed up playing second fiddle to the Yanks all the time,"
said one of the accused who had already pleaded guilty. "They had more
men, more tanks, faster planes, shinier equipment, bigger guns, bigger
everything. They were always in the big battles grabbing all the
limelight and headlines. But we showed them that a British soldier can
stand on a handcuffed Iraqi's head as well as any of them."
However, a Pentagon spokesman scoffed at the British claims. "The
Department of Defense would like to remind the international community
that it was the US Army who were the first to introduce anal and oral
sex into interrogation procedures, not only in Iraq but in Afghanistan
and Guantanamo Bay as well. We regret that the British armed forces
now claims they are as good at torture and abuse as we are. As a
valued partner in the Coalition of the Willing, we hope that the
British government refrains from making such unfounded comparisons, in
the true spirit of cooperation, collaboration and complete
subservience to us."
When asked to clarify that statement, he said "Basically, the
Pentagon's policy position on this important issue is - we're meaner
SOBs than you, Limeys, and doncha forget it!"
Former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein released a statement from his
prison cell in Baghdad congratulating both the British and the
Americans for "carrying on my good work". "With all your talk about
democracy and freedom, you guys had me fooled for a minute there. But
I'm glad to see it's back to business as usual."
"While you haven't quite matched the scale of my own torture prisons,
it's a good start," Saddam added.
Saddam especially commended the British forklift technique. "I did
once try suspending detainees from the ceiling with meat hooks, or
hanging then upside down by their feet, but I never would have thought
of using a forklift. I'd really love to have a chat with the genius
who designed this," he said excitedly. "The ingenuity of the infidels
has inspired some new ideas that I'm just dying to try out, should I
have the opportunity one day."
Meanwhile, Downing Street hopes that today's allegations of torture
and abuse would not upset Iraqis in the run-up to elections on January
30th.
"We wish to remind the Iraqi people that British and US troops are in
Iraq to free them from Saddam's torture, abuse and injustice. I'm sure
many will agree that our own form of torture, abuse and injustice is,
by far, more civilized," Bliar said.
"We also hope that these events do not dissuade Iraqis from voting in
the coming elections," Bliar added. "And, if they don't vote the way
we want them to vote, we know where we can get a lot more forklifts."
Bliar defended the Coalition's use of torture in Iraq, Afghanistan and
Guantanamo Bay as a vital part of its efforts to "stop evil.and
evildoers". "The Coalition is confident that the thousands of innocent
Iraqis we've already tortured would thank us for putting an end to
evil and evildoers and they are happy to do their bit for the War on
Terror - whether it is being electrocuted in the genitals or just
being smeared with excreta. And I'm sure they'd tell that to the
world, too, if they weren't gagged and hooded and locked up where no
one can talk to them."
In a related development, a US soldier was found guilty of abusing
prisoners at Abu Ghraib prison and was sentenced to ten years jail.
Specialist Charles Garner had pleaded for leniency, saying he had only
mistreated prisoners under orders. " I know a lot of it was wrong, a
lot of it was inhumane and cruel. But I was ordered to do what I did.
I did not enjoy it. Okay, maybe I enjoyed it just a little. Especially
when it involved people's butts. Okay, heck, I enjoyed it a lot."
It is not known if Garner is expecting to be stripped, beaten, drugged
and sexually abused as well during his ten-year jail sentence.
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A dispatch by our Embedded Satirist in Cambridge, Sabri Zain.
For pictures accompanying this story, go to
http://www.sabrizain.org/iraq/nmt
For the real story, go to
http://www.sabrizain.org/iraq/nmt/real/ukabuse-r.htm
*** DISCLAIMER: This is satire. Which means, it's just like the real
news ... only the names and places have been changed to incriminate
the
guilty. ***
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