NB: The following article iz satire or tongue-in-cheek, I
think ?!?!??!?

HOOROO =E2=98=BA .=C2=B7:*=C2=A8=C2=A8*:=C2=B7.=C2=B7:*=C2=A8=C2=A8*:=C2=

UNCLE WALLY =E2=98=BA .=C2=B7:*=C2=A8=C2=A8*:=C2=B7.=C2=B7:*=C2=A8=C2=A8*=

http://melbourne.indymedia.org/news/2007/01/138317.php

Lindsay Lohan Explains the Iraq War Exit Strategy to Wolf Blitzer on
CNN
by Karen Fish Thursday February 01, 2007 at 05:19 AM

Sometimes the most helpful advice comes from the least expected
sources.

lindsaylohan.jpg, image/jpeg, 96x132

Wolf Blitzer: =E2=80=9CThank you for joining us. You are here in the Situ=

Room with the best group of reporters anywhere on television right
here on CNN. Today it is my pleasure to welcome to CNN for the very
first time a major Hollywood singing and acting star, Lindsay Lohan.
Welcome to the Situation Room on CNN Lindsay. Is it O.K. if I call you
Lindsay, or if you prefer I can call you Ms. Lohan, or by your married
name, are you married Ms. Lohan?=E2=80=9D

Lindsay Lohan: =E2=80=9CYes Wolf I am married to Calvin Klein but you can=

me Lindsay.=E2=80=9D

Wolf Blitzer: =E2=80=9CThank you Ms. Lohan. My producer just told me to c=

you Ms. Lohan but if you prefer then I will call you Lindsay. My
producer just said in my earpiece that I can call you Lindsay. That
will be fine. O.K. So thank you for coming into the Situation Room
with us today Lindsay Lohan.=E2=80=9D

Lindsay Lohan: =E2=80=9CYou=E2=80=99re welcome Wolf. Are you high Wolf? A=

feeling O.K. I mean I get interviewed five times a day and either you
are really stoned or really nervous or really retarded. I would hate
to think that you ever found yourself in the real situation room in a
major war in the basement of the White House with President Bush and
Vice President Cheney. What a horrifying thought.=E2=80=9D

Wolf Blitzer: =E2=80=9CActually Lindsay Lohan this is the real situation =

the White House stole the name from us. We don=E2=80=99t get that many
beautiful famous actresses on here, mostly I speak with Candy Crowley
and frankly I=E2=80=99m a bit nervous. Do you know Brad Pitt?=E2=80=9D

Lindsay Lohan: =E2=80=9CI see. I=E2=80=99m sorry Wolf I didn=E2=80=99t me=

feelings but frankly you are freaking me out in front of a world wide
audience. Is it true that CNN is owned by AOL Time Warner and the
majority shareholders of AOL Time Warner is owned by the House of
Saud, the Saudi Royal family or is that just a vicious rumor going
around Hollywood. Sean Penn and Jane Fonda were telling me that Jane=E2=

ex Ted Turner used to own CNN and that the House of Saud bought it and
that=E2=80=99s why it seems like your reporters have no clue. Sean Penn a=

Jane Fonda also told me that it isn=E2=80=99t that your reporters have no
clue, it=E2=80=99s just that your reporters are told to pretend that they=

no clue so that the American people are constantly left in the dark
about what=E2=80=99s really going on with American domestic and foreign
policy.=E2=80=9D

=E2=80=9CSean Penn and Jane Fonda also told me that in fact the Iraq War =

been great for the people who own the oil, like the Saudi Royal family
and the Bush and Cheney families. Sean said that the price of oil and
the oil shares have skyrocketed since the Iraq War began. Saddam
Hussein told Sean Penn personally that George Herbert Walker Bush and
his son George W. Bush were financed in their own oil company by the
family of Osama bin Laden. Saddam Hussein also told Sean Penn
personally that the older President George Bush is on the board of
directors of the Saudi Royal Family Oil Company and the defense
offense contractor the Carlysle Group together with the Saudi Royal
family, and that the Saudis are putting billions into the Bush bank
accounts in Switzerland. Defense contracts and oil have really gone
through the roof because of the Iraq War and they will really fly if
America invades Iran don=E2=80=99t you think Wolf?=E2=80=9D

Wolf Blitzer: =E2=80=9CUm, uh, do you know Jennifer Aniston?=E2=80=9D

Lindsay Lohan: =E2=80=9CYes Wolf I know Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and
Angelina Jolie. Would you like me to get their autograph for you?=E2=80=

Wolf Blitzer: =E2=80=9CThat would be great Lindsay thank you so much.=E2=

Lindsay Lohan: =E2=80=9CYou=E2=80=99re quite welcome Wolf or if you prefe=

you five star General Wolf Blitzer the best General in the Situation
Room right here on CNN. Anyway Wolf, do you remember when General
Colin Powell the former Secretary of State took his slide show to the
United Nations with American intelligence satellite pictures of the
nuclear bombs and weapons of mass destruction possessed by Saddam
Hussein which led us into the Iraq War and led to his now cleaning the
floor of the basketball court at the University of Indiana? Well I
brought my own slides today to explain to the American people the real
reason that the United States is involved in the Iraq War, soon to be
the Iran War and the real reason that President George Bush and Vice
President ***** Cheney and their consigliores Karl Rove and Lewis
Scooter Libby have used so many ridiculous lies to justify America=E2=80=

presence in Iraq. Is it O.K. if I show my slides now Wolf?=E2=80=9D

Wolf Blitzer: =E2=80=9CHold on please Lindsay. My producer is screaming i=

ear, there seems to be a conference call going on in my ear in Arabic,
no I don=E2=80=99t think we can allow that I=E2=80=99m sorry Lindsay.=E2=

Lindsay Lohan: =E2=80=9CWolf would you like to come to a party at my house
with Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie and Steven
Spielberg? It=E2=80=99s this Saturday night and I=E2=80=99m sure that my =

love to meet you.=E2=80=9D

Wolf Blitzer: =E2=80=9CReally Lindsay, no way, that would be awesome. Tha=

you so much, wow! O.K. I=E2=80=99m sorry for interrupting you. Lets see y=

pictures.=E2=80=9D

Lindsay Lohan: =E2=80=9CThe fact that these pictures have not been disclo=

to the American people by the mainstream media is the number one
argument for why it is so vitally important for us all to preserve net
neutrality. Here is the first graph.http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/ene=

As you can see for yourself the people of the United States of America
consume 20 million barrels of oil each and every day, far in excess of
any other nation on Earth. For the past 5 million years before a
hundred years ago our ancestors used zero oil. As you can see Russia
and India use 2 million barrels of oil per day. Indonesia with nearly
the same population as the U.S. uses 1 million barrels of oil per day.
Laos and many other countries use 3 thousand barrels of oil per day.
The gluttonous and needless immense consumption of oil by the American
people is the root cause of the Iraq War and the Iran War upon us. Why
are SUV=E2=80=99s legal? Why isn=E2=80=99t it a law that every American m=

Smart Car or an electric car or an ethanol car which runs on corn or a
fuel cell car which runs on water and emits only water vapor or ride a
bicycle? Think of the reduction in oil consumption. Think of the end
of the need to colonize the Middle East.=E2=80=9D

=E2=80=9CI know that this idea strikes fear into the hearts of the oil
executives running the White House and the Congress, and the
mainstream media, but this is why President Bush and Vice President
Cheney hired an oil executive in the White House to censor the
scientific proof of global warming which is now forcing polar bears to
eat their children and which soon will cause the earth=E2=80=99s one ocea=

rise 50 feet when both ice caps in the north and south poles melt. Our
country is about to go under water permanently Wolf. 8 years ago Vice
President ***** Cheney said, =E2=80=9CWhere is our oil going to come from =

the future?=E2=80=9D Look at this chart of exports and production of oil =

nation Wolf.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/
Chart_of_exports_and_production_of_oil_by_nation

Saudi Arabia exports 9 million barrels of oil more per day than it
imports. On the other end of the scale the United States the world=E2=80=

largest polluter by far imports 12 million barrels of oil per day on
top of the 5 million barrels per day we produce. This is all grade 3
math wolf. The Iraq desert is capable of producing 10 million barrels
a day of oil at a cost of $1 per barrel. The Iraq War and Iran War
exit strategy is for the people of the United States of America to
over the next year cut back on our ridiculous over consumption of oil
to 2 million barrels of oil per day. We can hire Mexicans to carry us
around on rickshaws. Rick Shaw wrote =E2=80=9CThe Simple Life=E2=80=9D. S=

please do me and the American people a favor and stop talking about
weapons of mass destruction, democracy, ideology and Islamofascists.
Russia and China consider the Middle East their backyard and both are
now backing Iran. If President George Bush strikes Iran with nuclear
missiles Russia and China will nuke the United States and nuclear
world war 3 will be MAD, Mutually Assured Destruction, the extinction
of life on Earth forever. Isn=E2=80=99t it about time that we as American
people took the fifth step and admitted to God, to ourselves and to
everyone else the exact nature of our wrongs, that we drank too much
oil, and we as a country stopped needlessly drinking so much oil? This
is our way out of Iraq, Iran and the Apocalypse Wolf.=E2=80=9D

Wolf Blitzer: =E2=80=9CIs Paris Hilton going to be there? What time shoul=

come?=E2=80=9D

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