I'm happy to tell you that your request for a job away from the Lake of
Fire has been totally rejected.

When you arrive, I will send you to a small island in the middle of the
Lake of Fire where you will have a heat-shielded special television set.
You will never leave that island.

On this set, 666 hours per day (the length of a day in Hell), and every
day for an eternity of your damned soul, you will be required to watch
replays of Clinton, Edward Kennedy, and Gore speeches. When not watching
those, you will watch only the LOGO Channel.

You will also be equipped with a bullhorn to shout your fanatical
political ideology, redundantly, and will be required to do so every day.
No one will listen, or pay you any attention. My minion will go on about
their duties unperturbed.

You will grow your hair to hippie length and wear flowers in it and beads
about your neck, and worn-out rubber-tire sandals. I will force you to be
partially crippled, like so many war vets, and you will have to crawl
around using only your hands and arms, and never walk again.

I will require that you masturbate every hour looking at only pornographic
images of JTEM, who will be down here shortly. I will supply you with two
rubber sex dolls in the images of Saddam and Osama which you must have sex
with every day.

Demonic seagulls will crap on your head every day...big long loads of
creamy white doo-doo will cover your noggin and body. I then will force
you to eat it for sustenance. Your snacks will consist of demonic rat
turds. Your drink will be the ***** of Bill O'Reilly, who will be down here
very soon.

I hope you die soon. I am looking forward to having you here. You will not
enjoy a moment, but if you ever do, I will reassign you immediately to a
fate worse than Hell.

Satan

I'm happy to tell you that your request for a job away from the Lake of
Fire has been totally rejected.

When you arrive, I will send you to a small island in the middle of the
Lake of Fire where you will have a heat-shielded special television set.
You will never leave that island.

On this set, 666 hours per day (the length of a day in Hell), and every
day for an eternity of your damned soul, you will be required to watch
replays of Clinton, Edward Kennedy, and Gore speeches. When not watching
those, you will watch only the LOGO Channel.

You will also be equipped with a bullhorn to shout your fanatical
political ideology, redundantly, and will be required to do so every day.
No one will listen, or pay you any attention. My minion will go on about
their duties unperturbed.

You will grow your hair to hippie length and wear flowers in it and beads
about your neck, and worn-out rubber-tire sandals. I will force you to be
partially crippled, like so many war vets, and you will have to crawl
around using only your hands and arms, and never walk again.

I will require that you masturbate every hour looking at only pornographic
images of JTEM, who will be down here shortly. I will supply you with two
rubber sex dolls in the images of Saddam and Osama which you must have sex
with every day.

Demonic seagulls will crap on your head every day...big long loads of
creamy white doo-doo will cover your noggin and body. I then will force
you to eat it for sustenance. Your snacks will consist of demonic rat
turds. Your drink will be the ***** of Bill O'Reilly, who will be down here
very soon.

I hope you die soon. I am looking forward to having you here. You will not
enjoy a moment, but if you ever do, I will reassign you immediately to a
fate worse than Hell.

Satan